It's been a while since I last posted. Depending on your problem-solving skills, you might deduce at least one, maybe the only, reason why it's been so long. I will not be covering every day I've missed, I'll instead be summing up a small portion from the last week or so.
I need to preface this post, because it's probably not going to be my usual amazingly hilarious format (to whomever wishes to point out a decided lack of hilarity from any past posts, just hush). Factual details of the following post aside, it must be noted that Geof is an amazing person and I love him like crazy. I do not regret choosing him, and I doubt I ever will, regardless of the struggles we have. It's all just part of the adventure.
I don't recall whether I mentioned or not, but I am participating in an ADHD drug study. The study drug I'm on is no longer used for what it was originally created for, so it is being tested for ADHD. I presume it showed signs of helping with certain ADHD difficulties, maybe? Anyway, I digress.
And now to begin...
First, my period started just before the weekend and I had probably the worst pain from it in a very long time. Pain meds didn't seem to touch the pain, and I had to work through it on Thursday night. It was basically a nightmare.
Over this last week, I began to notice Geof starting to get edgy and reactive. For instance, an increase of yelling over minor frustrations, intense and harsh body language (scary for me, causing me to jump or flinch), not usually directed toward me, but causing a very stressful environment.
On Saturday, while shopping, I discovered Geof had again begun doing something detrimental to our relationship which he'd agreed not to do anymore. His immediate and negative change in demeanor was not surprising, but he seemed to manage himself OK until our talk later that evening. During our talk, I noticed he struggled pretty hard to keep on topic and not fall back into an old (what I perceived in the moment as a) habit of trying to twist the focus off of himself and onto someone else (me). During his struggle, I perceived a suggestion/hint toward his frustration at my lack of helping to keep the house picked up/cleaned up/in order/uncluttered. Whether this is where he was intending to redirect the conversation, I don't really know, since he kept himself mostly in check, it's just what my brain perceived from his hints while he struggled within himself to keep on topic.
I thought maybe some of Geof's revived behavior was due to the above situation, because it seemed to grow more intense after that. He hadn't communicated with me a very vital bit of information, though, so I was just left to guess at what was going on. Anyway, due to all that went on that day, I went to work the next morning stressing over this massive relationship issue, as well as my own struggles with ADHD and the fact that things were not improving where I desperately needed improvement. I ultimately decided I was going to press for one of the traditional ADHD meds to be added to my drug study regimen, or I was going to stop the study to start the process of figuring out what ADHD meds and doses would help me get my life into a manageable state. I did not (and still have yet to) decide what's to be done, if anything about the other major issue.
After work, I spent some time at Behind the Glass (BtG) where I was able to de-stress and chill. It was wonderful. Then I went home. Home was mostly fine, though my stress level sky-rocketed again with all the shit that was back on my mind. I spent much of the evening watching TV with Geof.
Around 11, 11:15 or so, I had to take the boys outside to potty. It was the first snow of the season, and incredibly cold. They got very excited and started running around and got all sorts of riled up. I'm not sure what caused it, but at some point the play began to sound more aggressive, and I should've got the hint, due to past similar encounters, but I assumed (since the past encounters had only ever happened cooped up indoors) that since the boys were outside this time, they'd move along to their own spaces. I was wrong. The next moment, Tucker and Gotham were fighting to the death. I wasn't able to do anything to separate them on my own since Gotham was not trying to get away, but was fighting back just as hard, so I yelled for help. Geof heard, but my parents were up, and dad got out there first. Dad pulled Gotham and I pulled Tucker, but Tucker had ahold of Gotham's ear and was not letting go. Ultimately we got them apart (at which point Tucker was suddenly and immediately calm), but Gotham ended up with a ripped ear in the process. When I finally was able to get upstairs to review the damage, I found that Tucker was not actively bleeding but Gotham was, and it wasn't the same as we'd dealt with the last two times this had happened (mind you, it was months ago, maybe as long as a year, though I can't properly vouch for that because ADHD and time don't work together). Gotham's ear was torn in the center, along three lines. A triangle flap of skin was hanging down leaving the wound wide open. There was no way for me to secure it, and he was obviously in a lot of pain. We ultimately decided that emergency vet care was necessary, despite the likely increased cost. So at 11:30, 11:45 or thereabouts, we began a slowasfuck journey, on fresh snow and ice, to the vet.
Once there, we had to call because covid. Gotham had to go in without us, so the vet assistant came to get him while we worked on the paperwork. I had to walk with the vet assistant up to the door, though, because Gotham was not about to walk inside without me, it was very sweet and also sad, cuz I had to stop at the door after he went in. He was exceedingly nervous. I'm certain the pain from his injuries was not helping his anxiety any. Anyhow, we got Gotham checked in and were given leave to go home until they were finished. I decided, since I'm generally up really late anyway, despite how tired I was, that I'd just wait for them to finish and go right away to pick him up.
Once home, Geof went to bed and I stayed up and worked for an hour and a half, through Tucker's violently reactive anxiety (I had him in a muzzle to protect myself, because he uses his mouth at all times, basically, and when he's afraid he reacts without thinking and it takes me yelling "no" or "ouch" to get him to snap out of it and calm down), to find, clean and medicate all his wounds. I came away with bruises from the muzzle attacks, and some scratches, 'cause there's nothing to keep his claws from scratching. Just as I was finishing up with Tucker, I heard from the vet that I'd be able to pick up Gotham at 2 am, so I did. Gotham was still a tad off-balance and had the tip of his tongue sticking out. He was definitely feeling fine. He was given pain meds and antibiotics, as would be expected.
Monday went well, we tried to feel out whether the boys would be OK together or not after the quarrel. It seemed to be going ok with the very brief interactions here and there, but overall we kept them in separate rooms. I got to spend some time at BtG again, which was, again, great for my stress level. Mostly I just watched some rings being made for 10 Knuckle Nut Punch, I noticed a scrap of wood when he was finished, which was about the perfect size to make a pinky ring, so I asked Nate if he'd make me one from the scrap wood, and he said he would 💛. After going home, my stress level went up again. Distractions are nice, a welcome relief from stress while they last, but they don't fix anything. I then had work 10 pm - 3 am.
Tuesday, started out pretty good. After I got up, I got Geof for lunch and returned him to work. I then rode Leila to BtG again for some more stress relief (it was 50°+!). This time I was even able to get some work done on my commission! I went home happy and proud of myself. Nate surprised me with the ring he made from the little scrap 💛💛💛. It ended up being a bit big for my pinky, but fit my middle finger above the knuckle, so I've been wearing it there mostly. I only nearly lost it about 5+ times so far. Each time I kinda felt like Bilbo when he forgot that he put the ring in his vest pocket and couldn't find it in his pants pocket and freaked out for a min, searching like crazy, before realizing it was just in a different pocket.
Note the visible worry on his face.
Note the visible relief on his face.
On Wednesday I had an appointment with the ADHD drug study place. I told them I need to start working on helping my motivation and energy issues & that I think the med is making both worse. I didn't end up having to stop the study. They started me on Adderall. Very happy about that. Now I start the process of figuring out the right dose.
Next we had our D&D gaming. It went well, Geof was showing even more agitation, even his excitement was overdone. (He told me later that he'd been feeling more irritation with the speed of game-play similar to before he started taking his anxiety meds.)
That night, after gaming, Geof freaked out on me with a verbally abusive attack while I was trapped on the toilet & naked; and I ended up having an anxiety/panic/anger attack? I ended up screaming and throwing things and couldn't stop screaming over and over for a min... Extremely emotionally and physically draining.
Just prior to his tirade I had noticed that he had not taken his anxiety meds for several days, I couldn't tell how many days; but it explained his recent changes in behavior. His tirade was the clincher, I guess... He admitted to stopping his anxiety meds because he thought maybe they were interrupting his sleeping. He was then unable to sleep due to his severe anxiety, so I ended up staying up most of the night with him to assist him with calming his anxiety. I therefore didn't sleep much at all.
Thursday I wanted to go hang at BtG again, but (needless to say) I was overly exhausted, so ended up just staying home. I took my first dose of Adderall after waking up, though. Because of my considerable exhaustion, it wasn't a great day for testing how it affects my body or whether it's a high enough dose; though I did notice that the block which had been keeping me from getting up to do things (other than work or necessary or intensely enticing things -Leila-) was either not there, or incredibly diminished. It's a positive first step. I ended up hanging out downstairs most of the day just talking with my mom. I noticed that right about when the Adderall was supposed to wear off, the exhaustion washed back over me, back to the state I was in when I woke up. It never got rid of the exhaustion, just mitigated the intensity somewhat. I waited until just before work to take my second dose because I was going to have to make it through a 7 hour shift. Again, it mitigated the intensity of my exhaustion, but didn't do away with it. It was just enough to make it through. I was in a terrible state by the time I got home, though. I felt like I was going to end up vomiting because my body was just that tired. It couldn't handle it anymore.
I woke up this morning (not sure whether I slept or just rested in a dreamy state) when Geof was leaving and told him I needed to be woken to help with the dog's meds. Evelyn ended up waking me (from the same state as before) for that and also for something to do with the fish tank. I'm pretty sure I was running on purely adrenaline and got up immediately. I fixed the tank issue, gave the dog his med and then interrupted Evelyn's schedule to have her assist me with changing fish tank water. I have been severely neglecting this task. Someone should probably take all my tanks away from me. I've become a terrible fish mom. Maybe that will get better with the Adderall like hopefully many other major life things that have been severely neglected due to my ADHD. After finishing with the fish tanks, I basically crashed again and went back to bed. I haven't been able to fall asleep, though I did rest a bit more for a while. I have a headache now. I haven't taken Adderall today because I've been hoping to sleep instead of do anything. Hopefully I'll sleep eventually cuz I have to be up at 5 tomorrow morning for work.
To close, I wish to remind readers that, although I've still not made any decisions and am still struggling with all that's happened, my relationship is not in dire straits presently. Geof is back on his meds and will get back to a healthy mental state in a couple days, I hope. I will either forget about everything and just be; or I'll come up with a decision on whether I think something should change or be worked out. Gotham will heal up. I'll eventually talk to a vet about getting Tucker on anxiety meds. And things will smooth out again, as they always do.
I firmly believe that mental health and relationship struggles shouldn't be hidden away. If we hide them away, we make them taboo and they become bigger and scarier and often grow worse. Bringing them out into the open helps to normalize them. It shows others that they aren't alone; that these struggles happen to everyone. It offers others the freedom to be OK with their own struggles and hopefully opens up doors for them to find ways to get help.
Sharing all I have today isn't to make someone look bad or to complain about what I've been through, but to help normalize the struggles we all face every day. It's part of the great adventure of life. Sometimes we get to sail on calm seas, other times we fight the storms. Sometimes we get to roll downhill letting gravity do all the work, other times we have to climb the insanely steep inclines fighting gravity and nature the entire way. How we come out on the other end is only for each one of us to decide. I choose to reach the finish line and exalt in my accomplishment. I'm not going to give up. I don't want to be alone on this adventure. It's far more fun, despite also being far more difficult, when others are along for the ride.
Hopefully the smooth is coming sooner than later, and I'll be back to my regular old amazingly hilarious self, and also keeping up with regular postings again.
Until next time, friends. 💛💛💛
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